I suppose you could say that today is a day of quandary for me. I have been thinking a lot about destiny and my path this morning. Not where it leads or why it leads the way it will mind you, just looking, reflecting, imagining and knowing that it will only become clear to me when it’s supposed to, not one minute before. Something that I try to impart to others is that their paths are also laid out in front of them, they will unwittingly follow it whether they want to or not, that’s how it works. It’s already chosen for us whether we like it or not.
I also believe in fate. Fated things happen all the time because that is what was supposed to happen to teach us one thing or another. Some people are so bogged down with thoughts of how their life is all wrong and
they think God is punishing them; no one is punishing them but them. The only one who holds us back from the path is the one on the path. I do also think that what you do in your past–be it bad or good it will come back to the front of that line in due time; hence that need for me to be good and do good toward others. Karma is a kicker and if given the chance it will kick you square in the ass.
Destiny tells me to be good, do good, and love people so I do, my path from this point is toward a bright light and I intent to keep it that way. So yes, spreading that light has been something I like to do. It’s something worth sharing with everyone. Jubilance and joy are what I so often feel about just life in general, and I’m no perfect person by far. I’m just happy with being alive generally. There were many times I found myself asking, questioning, and angry in the past. There was a lot of time spent dealing with a bunch of hard stuff I didn’t want to deal with and felt as if I had no choice as to a way out of it, stuck…yeah I feel stuck on different levels now but not like that…my head was stuck in conundrums and oxymoronic states often. It’s like it was about to click on a solution and then it would stop, mid thought and be gone again. It wasn’t until I stopped fighting the internal war that the ideas in my head came flowing out. And I think the me that I was meant to be started taking hold bit by bit on the day I told myself and God, I will question him NO more. Also I forgave people who made me angry.
Since that day, the one where I stopped questioning and started forgiving, things were slow but the true healing began and all given to the path I follow now. Two years is a while to get where you want to be or at
least a part of where you want to be or go or do. Recreation of the tormented tortured and enraged soul that threatens to swallow you up takes a while, still I want to grow further on and closer to God all the time. But in my own way and time frame not someone else’s. I think anyone and everyone should have their own way and time of that one and don’t wish to be pushed or rushed with that. Patience…
Paths are what they are, follow them with all you have, that is all that you can really do. And more often than not it will lead you where you want to go if you’re open. I think being open and having an open mind is better than feeling like there is a need for walls and no trust in your heart. A heart worthy doesn’t come every day to your door and if you’re too closed off it passes by. But occasionally there will be one that won’t, and one that won’t let us give up or give in. I think that too is of the path and of God. There are reasons why people mark our path, sometimes for the good and sometimes to teach us things. I have learned many lessons this way and many people have faded into the shadows on this path but I look at is as a lot of lessons learned.
For all intents and purposes I should never trust another human soul ever but I do still. I think I am supposed to, I think it’s a part of the path laid out so I don’t question it. I just let it flow as much as possible and hopefully more all the time. My walls are still at crumbly stages and eventually I hope to not ever have to have them at all. The fortress I built all those years ago, it caves and it’s smashing, crashing and falling. Some of the doors are still locked and might be for forever but those doors hold things that might scare the ones I love in this world so they remain articles hidden for a while longer. I don’t think sharing that stuff now is imperative to all the stuff on the path of good right now. Right now I relish in the peace I sometimes find inside as I feel whole and complete in a sense I don’t know if I have ever felt before.
I’m still learning mind you, as I’m still young and still full of all that has rested dormant inside for such a long time along with all the new of the past few years, things I’m not sure I understood when the changes started happening. There is life inside that only the light can give and is to be shared with all of those around me. All this light is courtesy of the Lord, in case anyone ever thinks they know what or where things come from, he
gives it to you, all that you have so never make the mistake of thinking otherwise. You may say to yourself, ‘How is that open mindedness?’ Well he gave me that as well as you all, he gives us knowledge and it’s up to us how it’s used and interpreted. Enlighten thy self and encourage enlightenment. And do it on your own and for you. Expand yourself for yourself and no one else.
I am still learning lessons daily, I love learning things and discovering. And the light and this path to it are just a part of the process, I feel this is fated to be and far from over. And for that I am so grateful. No longer lost is a good feeling. And no longer numb is a better one. Finding little things funny and laughing because I can is good too. So this path I think is going well so far hence the need to keep going and keep on keeping on. Nothing is ever easy and painless, sorrow and pain are just reminders of how good happiness is and how it feels to feel all the deep feelings in our hearts.
And yes my heart has been open as of the last few months but now it’s in the place it truly should have been, starting only a few days ago, with someone who has no problem showing it. That little fork in the road on my
path was unexpected to say the least but when things like that happen we must just roll with those changes because it brings that possibility of everlasting light to our world. Yeah I know nothing is perfect and I am perfect in my imperfections, but love is nothing to sneeze at. *Insert smiles here*
This philosophical moment brought to you by the Writer J. Gunn, feeling a bit Philo today just because!
© J. Gunn 2011